Losing my religion
by youhavedirtonyournose
Summary: After her confrontation with the dark wizard Lord Voldemort, Lily Evans returns to Hogwarts no longer the carefree soul she once was. She gathers her own followers and sets out on the dangerous path of vengeance. The new Hogwarts teacher, Professor Potter, strives to help Lily from losing herself completely while she struggles to find the right reasons to fight.
1. Prologue: Time to pay the piper

Hello there! I did not intend to make it clear I was a rookie so early on but only went and forgot to add a disclaimer.

Disclaimer: Most of my ideas are the offspring of J.K Rowling's work. I make no claims to originality but I do hope you enjoy reading this story. It is AU, things may not necessarily happen the official way and you will find lots of similarities between Lily's and Harry's life experiences (I thought this would be a nice touch).

Anon (I don't know how to reply to reviews): Thank you for your review and I'm glad you like my ideas. This chapter was meant more as a prologue so it is intentionally brief (and I did give myself a slap on the wrist for no paragraphs... got carried away). There will be plenty more detail in consequent chapters.

* * *

Lily strolled down the quiet street, her ruby red hair flowing behind her gently in the light summer breeze. It had been one of the hottest summers she could remember. She enjoyed how the blistering heat pounding against her skin, even if it did cause her to break out in millions of freckles. Most people were complaining about the heat of course. Skin cancer adverts were springing up every time one glanced at a TV screen, news reporters giving their daily 'stay inside' warnings and so on. This fabulous weather seemed to be the only news there was.

At this thought, a little smile crossed her face. After how things had been a mere few weeks ago, no news was most definitely good news. Before she broke up for the summer holiday the wizarding world had been on red alert. Lord Voldemort and his followers had been committing murders every day it seemed, and the Hogwarts population had practically halved due to so many families going into hiding. And then, it suddenly stopped. For weeks now there had been no trace or sign of trouble. Lily was a smart girl. She knew deep down that this silence would end in a terrible way, that they would all have to pay for the stolen time. But being a sweet 17 year old, still concerned with boys and what she would wear that day, she had the luxury of being able to bury that knowledge to a place she could not find. She had the luxury of being able to enjoy these last few days of blissful ignorance without worrying about the price she would have to pay when it ended.


	2. I will make you hurt

First there was the deafening silence that woke her up, like the calm before the storm. The silence felt heavy like a loaded gun and Lily knew that something terrible was about to happen. Like anyone who knows they are about to have the worst experience of their life, Lily felt an odd sense of acceptance. An acceptance that she was approaching a fate she would not be able to prevent, and that her fear would have to come later. The pull of destiny leaves no room for fear.

Second came the screams. The piercing screams of those she loved most in the whole world. She snatched her wand from her bedside cabinet, pulled open her bedroom door and flew down the stairs, her gut aching with knowing something she could not know yet.

Third, seeing her parents crumpled bodies on the floor. They say that time stands still when one has a life changing experience. It seemed to Lily as though it was not time that stood still, but her feelings. She felt as though her feelings had gone temporarily numb, as though she had felt too much pain all at once that her body had reacted in order to prevent her from breaking down. Her hearing was muffled but she instinctively knew that there were words being spoken intended for her. She tried to focus and stall her pain a little longer, distantly aware that things would get so much worse if she gave into it now.

She took in her surroundings. A dozen figures were all standing along the edge of the room, clothed in jet black robes and all angled towards the centre of the room. Lily followed their line of focus and found her eyes meeting the cold, red slits of Lord Voldemort's. If you asked a child to draw the scariest thing they could imagine, they would draw this man. His features melted into each other as though he was made of wax, his lips so thin you could barely distinguish them from the rest of his face. There was no hair on his head, just the smooth white skin that highlighted all the bones of his skull. None of this compared to the expression in his eyes. It was not the appearance of them that scared Lily to the core of her very being, but the emotions in them. It was as though all the hate and cruelty that this world had ever experienced was all stored up in those eyes. Those eyes could only belong to pure evil.

He stood there pointing his wand at a young girl cowering on the floor. Petunia. Lily felt the air escape her lungs and gasped. She looked back into Voldemort's eyes and tried with all her might to listen to the words coming out of his mouth.

"Do not worry you filthy little mudblood. You'll be next. But I want you to see exactly what I am going to put you through first," he rasped.

Lily staggered forward and fell to her knees "Please. Just kill me. Let her go and I will pay twice as much for it," she whispered.

Her words were greeted with malicious laughter from the cloaked figures. One woman with sleek, jet black hair and a manic expression stepped forward and spat at the ground in front of Lily. This caused even more laughter and Lily began to feel her head spin with hopelessness. She brought her hands to her ears to try and block out the sounds, shaking her head frantically and finally succumbing to the tears that had been threatening to spill from her stinging eyes. Lord Voldemort pointed his wand at her and she felt her hands being dragged away from her ears and being pinned to her sides. He walked towards her slowly, his steps echoing in the room that had now become deadly silent. She looked up into his face which was now inches from hers and could not help but flinch away from seeing those eyes so close. He grabbed her hair violently and yanked her face back towards his.

"You will watch the life drain from your sister's eyes and you will die knowing that you are alone. You will end your pathetic life knowing that your family died because of your disgusting existence," he spat and threw her head against the wall.

He turned his back on her and laughed manically. His features lit up with a crazy kind of lust, distorting his features to look even more nightmarish than before. Lily could not pinpoint the exact moment when her terror of this man had changed to that of a dangerously consuming anger. Maybe it was the expression of pure joy on his face, or perhaps her head being smacked against the wall that hard had damaged the part of her brain controlling fear. Whatever the reason, she felt as though something within her had awakened and she knew that this 'something' was powerful. She watched Lord Voldemort's retreating back like a lion ready to pounce as her head flooded with a thirst to see that man in pain; a thirst to see him dead and have his blood smeared on her hands.

Turning around, Lord Voldemort sneered at her. His eyes taunted her as he slowly raised his wand to cast the Cruciatus Curse on Petunia. Lily would never be able to explain what happened next, but to her is seemed as though the anger she was feeling exploded out of her. The death eaters were thrown back against the wall, unable to move and she was suddenly free of the body-binding curse. Lily leapt forward, her red hair flying out behind her and instantly began casting curses, aiming to kill. Lord Voldemort's face transformed with fear and surprise as he felt the power of her magic. He could feel it pulsing around the room, as though she had so much of it that it was spilling from her body. His eyes met hers as a spell narrowly missed him. In her eyes he saw a promise, a promise that she would kill him.

Suddenly, a crash sounded somewhere in the house and the air was rent with flying curses. Lord Voldemort quickly deduced that the Ministry of Magic must have found out about his plans and had finally sent some aurors. A young man dashed forward to join his and Lily's duel and to Lord Voldemort's dismay, this opponent was also strong. Panic was setting in and his reflexes were slowing as a result. He needed to gather his followers and escape quickly before it was too late. He frantically looked around the room to find that most of his followers had already disapparated. Although he was relieved they had not been caught, he felt a twinge of betrayal at their desertion. He focused his attention back on Lily and the young man, the three of them performing their deadly dance, weaving in and out of each other's curses. The man was strong but it was the girl he feared above all. He knew that she would only become more powerful and it would be best to end her now before that could happen. He mentally prepared himself to gather all his strength but it was already too late. He watched in horror as the two spells of his opponents combined and were heading straight for him, straight for his heart. Lily's death would have to wait for another day it seemed. He quickly turned on the spot and disapparated into the darkness.


	3. Don't fear the reaper

Lily lay in the bed, dripping with sweat and shaking uncontrollably. The nightmares were becoming more realistic with every time she slept, to the point where she was beginning to find it difficult to distinguish between her dreams and reality. After her parents death, Professor Dumbledore had sent her to go stay at the Leaky Cauldron for the remainder of her summer holidays and today, she would finally be leaving the dreary place. It was the morning of her first day back at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for her final year of studies. She glanced over at the window to see the dark, grey glow of early morning seeping into the room. The light was creeping closer and closer to her bed, urging her to get up and begin the day. Feeling as though she was in a trance, she walked softly towards the window and opened it as wide as it could go. The heat wave they had been having was definitely over.

Cold air hit her face and seeped through her skin, chilling her insides. Her normally translucent, clear skin was blotchy from the build-up of tears, dirt and sweat. Her hair stuck to her face unforgivingly and her eyes, which were usually a sparkling emerald, were now a dull moss coloured green. She lifted herself up onto the ledge and swung her legs through the open window to let them dangle in the air.

Looking down, she watched as early risers tottered along the street, oblivious to the fact that there was somebody watching them. Lily vaguely wondered about their lives. Were any of them going through what she was going through? Had any of them considered putting an end to their pain? Lily leant forward slightly as tears slid down her red cheeks and she closed her eyes tightly, wishing that someone would save her and give her a reason to stay. She could end it all right now. Nothing was holding her to this world anymore. There would be no more fear, sadness or anger. Just nothing. Lily had been terrified of death until quite recently, the main reason being that she did not want to fall into nothingness. However now, after everything that had happened, the idea of 'nothing' seemed quite appealing. Shaking, she leant forward even further and begged the world to give her something to hold on to, to fill the hole that her parents' death had left behind.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you" drawled a voice from behind her.

In shock she spun around too fast and felt herself wobble dangerously on the window ledge. She clutched the wall desperately to steady herself, her heart pounding violently against her chest. Breathing deeply, she turned her body around to see who the voice belonged to. Alas, when she looked back into the room there was nobody there! Slowly, she lowered herself down from the window sill and peered around the room cautiously. Had she imagined it? Was she finally going crazy?

"Not so eager to die after all are we," the voice chuckled.

Lily spun around to find a portrait of an old wizard sat on a stool. He had long grey hair and a pointed moustache which reached just below his chin. He had a pompous expression and his small, dark eyes glinted with cruel mischief.

"You teenagers are all so melodramatic. Always presuming that your troubles are far worse than those of others," muttered the man, who stood up and made to walk out of the portrait.

"My parents died," Lily whispered, her fists clenching.

The old man stopped in his tracks and cast her an irritated look "What was that? And yet another reason why I hate teenagers. Always mumbling. Why, in my day you got the stick if you did not speak clearly" he raved.

"MY PARENTS DIED!" screamed Lily as she pulled out her want and blasted the portrait in to pieces. She felt the after effects of her outburst hum loudly around the room as she watched the pieces float slowly to the ground. Guilt swept over her as she looked at the destroyed painting. There was no need for her to have done that, he could not have known after all. With a sigh, she turned her back on the mess and went to pull out her suitcase from under the bed.

"I am sorry about that little miss, but was it really necessary to destroy my portrait? This is a work of art you know! Humph!" said the old man obnoxiously, although with a slightly lighter tone than before. Lily froze. She had presumed that the portrait's magic was destroyed.

"I'm sorry," she replied quietly, without turning around. She began to pack her suitcase for the trip back to Hogwarts. There was much less to pack this year as she had thrown away anything that held memories of her family. Lily knew that she would regret it later but right now, the last thing she needed was constant reminders of what she had lost. After she had finished packing, she went to shower and make a half decent attempt to look human. She vowed that no one would get to see how she was dying inside; she would make sure of that.

Lily did not know it, but the old man watched her the whole time. It gave him some satisfaction to know that someone was there with her, even if she saw herself as being alone.

* * *

Lily tried desperately to push her way through the unmoving crowds. The station was buzzing with the frantic morning rush and the smell of leather suitcases and recently applied perfume clung to the air. She finally shoved her way through and found herself staring at the barrier separating Platform 9 and three quarters from the rest of the station. Lily knew that when she crossed over, she would have to endure her friend's sympathy and she was not ready for that. So she did the only thing she could think. She plastered a smile on her face and prepared herself to act normal. She gathered all the courage she had left and walked quickly onto platform nine and three quarters.

To Lily's surprise, the platform was a lot quieter than other years. She supposed even more people had decided to go into hiding. A wave of bitterness swept over her as she considered how things might be different if she had been smart enough to take her family and go into hiding.

"Lily!" cried an excited voice belonging to the one and only Alice Prewett. Alice attacked her friend with a bone-crunching hug and lifted her slightly from the ground. Despite herself, Lily chuckled and hugged her friend back twice as hard.

"I know you don't want me to act differently or talk about it so I promise I'll try my best, okay? But remember I am here if you do, you know..." Alice whispered very quickly in her ear, lowering her back to the ground. Lily gave Alice a strained smile and muttered her thanks. They both then found themselves being ushered onto the train by the conductor, not realising that they were the only students left on the platform.

That was when Lily Evans first saw James Potter. She looked curiously at the man speaking with a small group of 5th year boys by the train entrance and wondered who he was. As though he sensed her stare, he looked up to meet her gaze. He had jet black hair which was messy in the extreme, stubble casting dark shadows across his face and prominent grey rings under his eyes. All of this served in giving him a rugged, dangerous look which he pulled off well. It was his eyes that were the most interesting though. They were dark brown, almost black, and Lily found it difficult to look away from them. Seeing the two girls struggling with their heavy suitcases, James approached them.

"Hi, let me help you with those," he said smiling openly at them. Alice gave a sigh of relief and grinned thankfully at the man. Lily, however, still held onto the handle of her suitcase, looking up at him speculatively. She was sure she already knew this man somehow. Hesitation crossed James face at her apparent reluctance to let him help her. He gingerly took a hold of the handle that she was still clutching and the contact of their hands caused a jolt to run through both of them. Lily's hand flew away from his quicker than lightening and she stumbled backwards from the shock. James muttered an apology, averting his eyes from hers and heaved the suitcase onto the train. Lily cautiously stepped on and gave the man a small smile before turning away to go and find a compartment with Alice.


End file.
